Defining myself
by JanineD
Summary: I’m pretty sure Stars Hollow could have done better without me, but I, I never could have done without Stars Hollow


**Defining myself**

**Disclaimer: **DO NOT OWN ANYTHING

Sometimes writing does not come to me easily. It used to, but not anymore. I long to say something and subconsciously I want to make up sentences to express my feelings, but then I just lack the words. I can't describe it. It's impossible. Whatever I feel, there are no words for that. It's not even close. There are no adjectives to describe it. I could try, but it wouldn't give it proper credit. Right- it. I don't know how else to name it. Urge, burning, fever, emotion, sensation. None of these fit really. They're all made up by people and their world, but I don't fit in there. I am different. Some call me outcast, jerk, anti-social. I've even heard the word anti-Christ, but I am neither one of these. Again there's no word for me. I am myself and I don't fit into a previously created pattern. I'm just…me.

The others don't understand though. They never did and they never will. In their minds everything, every person, every soul has to fit in somewhere. There has to be a definition for everything and words to describe it. I am just not that way. They will always want to set me limits. They try to see where I begin and where I end. But they can't see. They'll never get the whole of me. It's impossible. They don't know that though. They don't want to know. They just look at me and think they have me figured out. They look at a few of my actions and can already call me names. Like hoodlum, drop-out, bad-boy. Heartbreaker. I especially like that one.

They think they know all about me, but they don't. I don't even know all about myself. Being me is like starting to explore a dark jungle every day. There are so many features, paths, hidden mysteries. It's a different journey every day, surprising, shocking, sad, happy, destructive, uplifting. It's all of it, and still these words can hardly describe it. And believe me, I know words. I know many words. I have searched for definitions and terms all over the world of literature. I have looked everywhere, but in the end I had to give in. I would never be able to find a definition for myself. That's okay though. I'm fine with that now.

The thing that bugs me, that annoys the crap out of me is that other people keep defining me. I hate it and I hate them for doing it. They minimize me to a few words and they will never add or subtract to that. My actions are therefore senseless. In the past I've tried improving, but people wouldn't let me. No matter what I did, in their minds I would stay the same. And believe me, I tried. I tried, even though it's enormously hard for me to crack my shell. People and things in the past have hurt me so much, that for a while all I had in myself were negative feelings. I didn't even know the word 'happy' anymore. Too much had happened. Too many disappointments, too much neglect, too much hate and blame. The world had hurt me, and I hid inside my shell.

That's when I came to Stars Hollow. At first a few people pretended to understand and said all I needed was time and care. As it turned out, they weren't willing to give me hardly any time or care. I was supposed to strip myself of my shell within weeks, which in my time-frame are more like seconds. That just wasn't possible. And then people gave up on me again. Again.

I mean, I even made an effort. I tried. With little things. That was all I could do at that time. But no one saw. Repairing a toaster, unlocking a door, destroying a snow-man. That was all I could do at that time.

No one noticed.

Well, Rory noticed, but she couldn't help me either. She tried, god she tried, but it was worth nothing. I was already beyond a certain point. The only one capable of helping me was I myself.

However, I hadn't realized. Hell, I didn't even want to help myself. I had already given up. I didn't care. I had stopped caring long ago.

When she came around it somewhat made me want to try again, but it wasn't enough. Again it wasn't up to her. It was up to me. I think she knew. At least in the end. That probably hurt her most. I loved her, but even that couldn't help me if I wasn't able to love myself. We were over because I wasn't okay. We were doomed from the beginning. It took me two years to realize. It haunted me for two years and then I finally saw. All the anger I felt all of a sudden disappeared. Knowledge drives away emotions.

I was wasted. And I hadn't had a reason to change that.

I tried making her my reason, but I was wrong in doing so. I put way too much hope and pressure on her. You can't make another person responsible for yourself. You have to be your reason. Life is yours alone. You have to live life for yourself, not because of someone else.

I destroyed us. Not intentionally, but I did. I expected things from her she couldn't give never realizing how much she was already giving. I expected from her to be the sense of my life. But I, I had to be the sense of my life. She could only be an addition. A great addition. I didn't know. If only I had known. It wouldn't have had to hurt so much, for the both of us.

I can't change it now. I don't think I want to. If I hadn't run, if we hadn't hurt each other, if she'd never said no, maybe I would have never found out. All these years something fundamental, maybe the basis of my existence, was entirely wrong and I didn't know. I had never loved myself. What's the worth of your life when you don't love yourself?

Exactly, your life is worth nothing.

Figuring out why I didn't love myself came quite easily to me.

Before Rory and maybe Luke, no one had loved me. Well, I am not sure whether they even loved me, probably not, but at least they cared. They cared. And so should I. It's sad to think that I have lost them. Well, I still can make up with Luke. I didn't hurt him too much. I mean I hurt him a lot but not too much to not make up. With Rory it's a different case. Her I definitely hurt too much.

I can't believe that I actually asked her to take me back. Moron. What was I thinking? I guess I wasn't even thinking at all.

I've destroyed a part of her. That's not reversible. I can never make up for that. There's no use apologizing. Maybe I'll send her a letter and try. I mean, what can go wrong? Nothing can make it worse. I'd say something like 'I am sorry I hurt you. I never meant to. I couldn't do anything against it. No matter how much I loved you I never loved myself. It's a curse. I don't know whether I'll get over it at all. Maybe I will. For now, I am still looking inside myself for some sort of feeling for myself. I haven't found one yet. I am sorry. I know it's too late, I just needed to say it.' Yeah, that sounds kind of like what I want to tell her.

I have lost her, so the only thing left in my life is myself. I can't lose myself. Well, they say you can't lose what you never had, but I am losing myself if I don't pursue finding my true self. Maybe, maybe after all I'll know what it was worth. Maybe I'll know what I was worth.

But for now, all that's left for me is regrets. Regrets that will linger with me forever. Memories of Stars Hollow that will burn spots in my soul for the rest of my life. So much I have done wrong. So much I can't change.

I'm pretty sure Stars Hollow could have done better without me, but I, I never could have done without Stars Hollow. Without this wacky town and without it's people, without Lorelai, without Luke….without Rory I never would have found out. I was given one last chance. I realized because of all that has happened there and maybe, maybe I can make it better.

My life I mean.

Maybe I can make it better.

At least I can try.

For them and more importantly for myself.

**A.N.: **So my mind and the words and sentences that come out of it are mysteries for me, so I am not sure whether anyone can make this thing out. I guess there's no definition for it. I somewhat feel connected to Jess. I might even dare saying I understand where he's coming from, but that might just be momentarily. I'll probably be disgusted with myself tomorrow for being so bold. Anyways, review, if you like… I sure would like it….


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